Engineering Humor

Timesheet Honesty
A promising young NASA aerospace engineer was killed in a horrific car accident and arrived in Heaven, protesting to St. Peter at the pearly gates. "St. Peter, I'm only 35. I'm much too young to die. I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for. Why in the world am I here?" St. Peter looked through a huge stack of papers, looked over the top of his glasses and said, "Well, according to all of these hours on your time sheets, you've got to be at least 108."

Female Engineers...
• File their nails with a Leatherman.
• Make jewelry out of wire, resistors, transistors, and chips.
• Don't think of male engineers as dorks.
• Refer to impotence as system failure.
• Would rather discuss the strength of a bridge than the strength
   of their relationship.
• Know why a Dickies purse is cool.
• Think tools are romantic gifts.
• Have thought about re-engineering a bra.
• Have tried to make a bra out of duct tape.
• Read Popular Mechanics instead of Cosmo for fashion tips.
• Are the only ones smart enough to enter into a field that is 95% male.
• Have used nail polish remover for more than just removing nail polish.
• Know the value of hairspray's flammable properties.

Physics Jokes
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

Grade School Humor
In a fifth-grade class, a teacher asked students various science questions:

Teacher: "What is the definition of a protein?'
Student: "A protein is something that is made up of mean old acids."

Teacher: "What kind of tails do opossums have?"
Student: "Reprehensible ones"

Teacher: "What is the spinal column?"
Student: "A long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."

Teacher: "How long does it take the Earth to rotate about its axis?"
Student: "The Earth makes a resolution once every 24 hours."
Teacher: "That's wishful thinking."

The Engineer Song
(Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to a story bout a man name Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
Unix that is . . . CRTs . . . workstations;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee,
Intel that is . . . dry heat . . . no amusement parks;

On his first day at work they stuck him in cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is . . . unpaid . . . mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six,"
Tired that is . . . stressed out . . . no social life

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is . . . debriefed . . . unemployed . . .

Computer Gender
A pastor and former sailor is aware that ships are referred to as "she" and "her." He often wonders what gender would be appropriate to apply to his computer. To answer that question, he sets up two groups of computer experts, one consisting of women and the other of men. Each group is asked to recommend whether computers should be regarded as masculine or feminine and to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be considered masculine because: To get their attention, you have to turn them on. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could've had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded the computers should be considered feminine because: No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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