Engineering Humor

How 'Bout Some Levity in the Technical World

---

Common Sense
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, when faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

New Employee Orientation
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised not to trouble them.

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

"Prophetic" Quotes
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s

"The concept is interesting and well formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A YaleUniversity management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M Post-It Notepads

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." -- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket
work

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer
1. Complimentary tutoring
2. Large earning potential
3. Can handle stress and strain in relationships
4. Know all the dynamics of relative motion
5. Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
6. FREE body diagrams
7. Always back up their hard drives
8. Trained to do it right the first time
9. Specialized in experimentation
10. Can go all night with no hint of fatigue

Engineers and the Jet
Back in the 60s, a jet manufacturer was trying to build a jet that would go Mach 4 (4 times the speed of sound for you non-aeronautical types). Finally after many years of design, the jet was finished. A test pilot took it out for it's maiden flight. Everyone gathered around ... and the plane went to Mach 1 ... Mach 2 ... Mach 3 ... Mach 3.5 ... and the wings ripped off, and the plane hit the ground and killed the test pilot.

The engineers went back to the design and spent months revamping it. They came out with the new and improved second version, but when they tested it, it had the same disastrous results: the plane's wings ripped off, and the pilot was killed in the crash.

The engineers went through seven iterations, until finally they were about to give up. They decided to contact Bob, a retired engineer with the reputation of being able to fix all problems. Bob comes in, asks to see all the design figures, charts, and drawings and takes them home to study them. He calls the next day and says he has discovered a solution to the problem: drill holes vertically through the wings at the exact spot where they attach to the body.

At first everyone argues - the wings are ripping off now, why drill holes in them? But Bob insists that it will work. So eventually, they give in and do it. The jet is tested later that day, and not only does it reach Mach 4, it goes to Mach 5.3 before the test is declared over and successful. All the engineers rush to Bob and congratulate him for his uncanny ability to discover the solution. "How did you know?" asks one of the engineers. "Well, I'll tell you. I was on the toilet, and it occurred to me - toilet paper never tears on the perforations."

Lawyer and an Engineer Go Fishing
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, ''I'm here 'cause my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.'' ''That's quite a coincidence,'' said the engineer. ''I'm here 'cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.'' The lawyer pondered the engineer's plight for a moment, and looking somewhat confused, asked, ''How do you start a flood?''

---

Got a joke or a funny story? E-mail or mail it to us. Keep it clean; this is a family website.

Progressive Engineer
Editor: Tom Gibson
2049 Crossroads Drive, Lewisburg, PA 17837
570-568-8444 * tom@progressiveengineer.com
©2006 Progressive Engineer